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Ask Alexa: Every time I have sex I just don't enjoy it, is this normal?

Dear Alexa,

I'm a bit confused and I need some help. Every time I have sex I just don't enjoy it, is this normal? I've had different partners and tried different things but I just don't think I'm capable of being turned on? Is there something wrong with me?

Hope you can help!

Katie (she/her)


I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling confused, just know that our sexuality evolves throughout our entire life and it’s okay to not have all the answers.

Now, I don’t have much information to go on but I’ll try to do my best and help you.

I believe your situation is caused by 1 (or a mix) of 4 things. And I’m also assuming that by ‘sex’ you mean penis-in-vagina-sex.

  1. Are you going straight to penetration? Or are you actually getting aroused beforehand? The context you’re in and your mindset will have an influence on the experience too. Components like kissing, touching, oral sex, whispering, and even WORDS are important to get us in the mood so make sure you’re taking the time to be turned on.

  2. Sometimes penetration just doesn’t feel ‘good’. It’s not that it feels bad but it’s just not enough to get someone off. Have you tried including some clitoral stimulation as well? Maybe even a toy? Is it that you don’t have any desire or that you’re not getting the right stimulation? Try this bullet vibe and see if it makes a difference.

  3. Have you explored your body on your own? Do you know what you like and need in order to enjoy yourself? I suggest taking some time to really get to know yourself. Masturbation is the best way of accomplishing this.

  4. Sexuality is a spectrum. It can go from a high sex drive, to people that only feel sexual attraction if they have an emotional connection (demisexual), to no sexual desire whatsoever (asexual). Try getting familiar with these terms and see if it resonates with what you’re feeling. Either way, there’s nothing wrong with you and I hope you find the answers you’re looking for.

Best of luck!


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