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The thing about "lasting longer" in bed

Think about something else! Distract yourself from the feeling! Do anything to delay ejaculating so soon! Does that sound familiar?

People -and especially the ones with penises- are taught that penetration is the main event while having sex and that it should last for as long as possible. What happens? People become insecure, made fun of and the expectations are set way too high and on unnecessary things. People with penises tend to research methods to delay ejaculation, while the receivers demand someone that lasts a long time.

Are there ways to accomplish this? Yes. Absolutely. Some ways more efficient than others. Some I was told to teach my patients while studying Psychology and I would, because people came to me with the demand and I provided solutions. You can teach your body to make wonderful connections and obey your thoughts. At the time, I hadn't given it much thought or reflected on it.

So is it actually important to last a "long" time?

What is long anyway? It's a very subjective matter and one that will never have a definite answer. Is it 5min? (That's the average) Or is it 30min? A whole hour? It all depends on what we were taught was "normal".

If someone comes to me with a time that's lower than the average and the true desire to make penetration last a bit longer, I will 100% teach them the methods. But if the goal is unrealistic, made-up-by-porn and unattainable, I'll spend my time educating this person on the other things that actually matter and making them question why this is such a big desire.

You don't hear vulva owners complaining that they have too many orgasms, too fast. It's usually celebrated and desired. It means they're getting their needs fulfilled and lots of pleasure. Why is it so different when people with penises finish in a short amount of time?

Here are some things that are more valuable to keep in mind instead of wasting that energy trying to make time last longer:

  • Penetration should be a bonus, not the main act: It's a difficult belief to change/replace, but it's not impossible. I'm aware most sex scenes in movies consist of a cis man and a cis woman under the covers, not using any kind of barrier method, ignoring that lube exist, slowly making out, having penis-in-vagina sex for a while and both of them magically having an orgasm at the exact same time. To that I say: no. Nothing about is right or remotely realistic, so fuck the media for being so fake. I got a little side tracked there but the point is: penetration is a penis thing. Vulva owners don't really need it, and many avoid it. It's not that it feels bad, it's just not what we need. We take it because it's what is "normal" and what people usually count as "sex". But I'll give you money if you find someone that didn't ask to end the penetration just so the other person could come. So while you're trying to last as long as possible and prolong the experience, a lot of vulva owners are in pain (sometimes due to the fact that lube is needed) and hoping it'll be over soon. They even fake an orgasm sometimes, so that the other finishes sooner. We need clitoral stimulation, not a penetration marathon. It's nice for a little while, but it gets old. So focus on other things. Make foreplay the main event.

  • Sex doesn't end when penetration does: I dislike the person that decided that sex ends when the person that does the penetration, ejaculates. Why is this a thing? Yes, you might be tired, but it doesn't mean there's not a million other things you can be doing with your mouth, hand or a toy. Especially if the other person is not done yet. Sex needs to start being a fair event, where everyone gets the same amount of pleasure and the satisfaction they deserve. Which brings me to:

  • Prioritizing everyone's pleasure: Your pleasure is just as important as your partner's. A lot of people swear by and recommend that the vulva owner has an orgasm (or is taken care of) at least once before there is any kind of penetration. Is a good rule to live by because it allows the other person to last as long as they desire without feeling like they didn't make their partner feel good. And if you truly get too tired to continue after ejaculation, it's okay because both (or all) of you are satisfied. I speak for the majority of people when I say, we'd rather have a good fingering, oral or toy session and a quick penetration, than a 20min solo penetration show.

  • Making the experience last for as long as possible: A professor once told us in class that the sex he has with his wife lasts between 3-4 hours every single time. I'm honestly still shocked and I don't think I have had such long experiences, unless you count endless make out sessions (which I adore). He told us that they start caressing each other's bodies for a while and just take their time to set the atmosphere and enjoy themselves. I still have no idea what they do the rest of the time, but I don't need to. All I need to know is that there are plenty of ways to be intimate, set the scene and truly enjoy the entire experience. This is the goal. And it's way more memorable than leaving someone's vagina sore.

  • Enjoying the sensations: I have two points I want to make here. First is that a good technique is better than something that doesn't feel as pleasurable, even if it lasts longer. I remember telling partners to be faster or to thrust harder and they'd tell me no because they would come too fast. I didn't mind. So, at least for me, technique triumphs time. It also has to do with the person penetrating to actually enjoy what they are feeling. If you spend the entire time thinking of something else to detach yourself from the sensation, you're making sex pointless. Like, don't have sex if it's going to make you anxious and you won't pay attention to any of the pleasure. It's so much pressure to put on yourself. So, instead of buying condoms with numbing lube, delaying sprays, or thinking about the color brown, be in the moment, make the best of it and focus on other ways to give your partner and yourself pleasure.


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