My sex life before my first toy hardly existed. It didn’t help that I was in a long distance relationship. Keeping things ‘spicy’ between us sexually began to feel more like a chore, and overtime my libido deteriorated. I did try to take care of myself, but this was only using my fingers and was a rare occasion.
After that relationship ended, I was worried I would never want to have sex with another being again. My libido was that low. I questioned its existence. Bringing my first toy into my life was the first step towards increasing my libido. Not only did it do so, but it also helped to intensify my orgasms and teach me to love every part of myself, primarily my body. It wasn’t an easy ride. Initially, I felt out of place. I felt like it was wrong. Like I wasn’t the sort of girl that did ‘that thing’. I had no bloody idea what on earth I was doing. Nevertheless, I took the leap.
I bought my first ‘general looking’ or ‘basic’ one. You know, the vibrating dildo with the little finger part for clitorial stimulation. (It's called a Rabbit toy, and you can find one here)
Upon its arrival, I raced that package up to my bedroom and hid away like I had a dirty little secret. Nervous I would be caught red-handed with a weapon of self-pleasure and judged as being overly promiscuous or even desperate. I pulled apart the packaging and tried to find the ‘How To’ section in the instructions. But these things don’t come with a bloody beginner’s guide. This one was designed for those who know what the f*ck they’re doing, and I hadn’t a single clue.
So with Google’s incognito mode on my mobile - scared that I’d be traced for the secrets I was trying to uncover - I researched things I thought I should know when owning your first sex toy. ‘Do I need to use lube with it?’, ‘Do I need to use a condom with it?’, ‘How do I clean it?’ and ‘And is it safe to really insert into my vagina or is it only for external stimulation?’
My first time using it was a whole thing. I waited until most of my housemates were at work. I blocked my door. I turned on music so the remaining housemates wouldn’t hear a thing. I hid under my bed covers. Annnnd I used a condom on the thing.
The first lesson I learnt after that experience, the condom was not necessary. If anything, it was a nuisance because the condom size didn’t match the shape of the toy. This is because the base of my toy curved inwards, becoming very slim and giving the condom nothing to grip onto.
Every time after that, I repeated the same ritual. A blocked door, music on loud and hiding under the covers. I wonder now whether my housemates knew what was really going on, considering I never changed the playlist.
After a while, I bought my second toy. I bought it because I was scared the vibrations on the one I was using were too loud. I wasn’t ready to share my secret. It arrived. It wasn’t great. Just a stick that vibrated. No other stimulations. It took a little longer but I finally decided the pleasure from this toy and the next level of orgasms I was reaching were worth being caught. I returned to the original one - which was not loud or overheard by any of my housemates. Only my mind running to hypothetical situations.
With my confidence growing, I started bringing sex up in conversations amongst friends. Not the typical topics or questions. But a focus on self pleasure and our personal experiences.
This is where I learnt many of my friends had never masturbated, or felt the same way I once did about masturbation. That it was wrong. That it wasn’t for girls ‘like us’. That we had no idea where to start.
I swore by my toy, I preached to my friends. It wasn’t the greatest one on the market but it really opened my world to higher levels of sexual enjoyment. I had started to have sex with other people again and noticed how my presence in these experiences had changed. Changed for the better. I knew what I liked more, and what I didn’t. I knew what I needed to be turned on. I knew what I needed to reach an orgasm. I felt sexy. I felt in control of my experience, rather than blindly grabbing hold of the slightest bit of pleasure. My pleasure scale went through the roof, in comparison to what I was previously experiencing.
I would have open conversations in the bedroom with these people about sex toys. On some occasions, even incorporate them into our time. It was a whole new level of appreciation for sex in general. A whole new level of appreciation for my body and the pleasure she could feel. The pleasure she could create.
I can safely say the sex life I have now - fun, experimental, craved - is owed a great deal to my first toy and the path it led me on. I’ve tried different ones since. I’ve had more open conversations about sex and pleasure since. I’ve been more open about what I am willing to try and not try. What I want and what I need in the bedroom. Like I said, I’ve had more experimental, fun and meaningful sex since I started using toys and this is very important to me. Though, the greatest climax of it all is that I know myself better. I have more fun with myself now than I ever did before.
Do you remember your first sex toy? How has it shaped your sex life?