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Ask Alexa: I've tried everything and have never had an orgasm

Dear Alexa,

I have tried and tried to orgasm by any means necessary to no avail. My partner is open to explore and seems to take it as a personal failure that I cannot reach that point. Even though I've never had an orgasm. Any advice?

K (she/her)

Hi K,

I am sorry to hear about your experience. I am very curious to know what you have tried but since I can't, I'll just run you through the most common ways vulva owners have orgasms. I am also very glad your partner is open to exploring but he needs to understand that in order for him to make you orgasm, you need to orgasm by yourself first.

I also just want to say that orgasm is not the goal of sexual encounters but it sure as hell is nice and if you haven't been able to experience one, I am here for you 100%. I want to begin with a picture of a vulva, so you understand all the terms I use.

Now we can start:

  • Get to know your body. If I line up a bunch of pictures of different vulvas, can you pick yours? How well do you know your body? What you like, hate and can't live without. This is maybe the first and most important step to anything regarding your sexuality. If you don't know, how will you explain it to a partner?

  • Add lube: Even if you have natural lubrication, trust me. Lube makes everything better and reduces friction. Make sure it's there in every sexual activity.

  • Most vulva owners need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm: Every study has had a different finding, but anywhere from 60-90% of vulva owners need their clit stimulated to come. It is the equivalent of the penis (anatomy wise) and the easiest, most reliable way to achieve it.

  • Try different techniques: The way you touch your clitoris will be different from any other person. Some like to use their fingers up and down, side to side or in circles. Grab a little bit of lube and slowly explore the area. See what feels good, and keep doing more of it.

  • Are you overthinking it? A lot of the times we feel good, are starting to build up tension but we are so worried about having an orgasm, that it won't happen. Orgasms don't like anxiety, insecurities or fear, they want you to be relaxed and feel good. This is why knowing your body by yourself is crucial to feeling pleasure. Get yourself in the right mindset.

  • Are you aroused? Blood needs to flow to our genitals for us to feel aroused, turned on and to feel pleasure and yes, to have an orgasm as well. Make sure you are taking the time to get aroused and don't go straight for the genitals.

  • Maybe you need a sex toy: Specifically a vibrator like this one. Sometimes, fingers or even a mouth aren't enough, but the vibrations of a toy are. The rhythmic, deep vibrations do it for most people and allow for a unique sensation that a human cannot replicate.

  • Maybe you're too sensitive: some clitorises can't stand direct stimulation, so masturbating over your underwear is a great option. With your fingers or a toy, either one. A clit suction toy can also do the trick because it doesn't touch the clitoris directly, it wraps around it.

  • It's okay if it doesn't happen: I know it might be frustrating but don't pressure yourself. Try to enjoy every single sensation and if you end up having an orgasm, that's amazing. And it's also cool if you didn't, because you appreciated the entire experience.

please lmk if any of this helped :)

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