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Ask Alexa: I feel like I’m dry as the Sahara down there, even when I am super turned on

Dear Alexa,

How do I cope with vaginal dryness whilst navigating sex? Since being on about a million types of contraception I feel like I’m dry as the Sahara down there, even when I am super turned on. I’ve tried fixing the problem, and can’t really use lube even the water based, sensitive, no fragrance ones, etc. It’s quite embarrassing to try and broach the subject, or to try and explain to a guy that I am turned on by them I just don’t get wet. Also due to the lack of lubrication it can make sex a little painful at times, especially afterwards I can get sore due to the friction. Just not really sure how to deal with the issue and stop myself from a. Feeling self conscious (even though everyone says it’s normal) and b. Not being in pain after sex. I’ve never been with someone who’s made it a big deal, most sexual partners have tried to make me feel better about it and show it’s not an issue, but it’s turning into a massive issue in my head and I can’t shake it, probably because nothing actually seems to help! TIA! X

- Sahara (she/her)


Throughout our lives, people have made us believe that wet = aroused. That a dripping pussy in the only desirable one. In reality, lots of vulva owners experience vaginal dryness and have issues with lubrication. It has nothing to do with being turned on or not, as you already know. Everyone needs to be educated on this so it's not a surprise when it doesn't happen and sexual partners react in a positive way.

You can be begging someone to fuck you and be dry as fuck and you can also be incredibly wet while not wanting anything or anyone to touch you. It's called arousal non-concordance and the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski explains it in a very soothing, sciency way. Can't recommend it enough.

I'm glad you haven't had any bad encounters, it seems like you choose your partners wisely and it's only a big deal in your head. This is something only you can work on and hopefully with the help of a therapist. For now, believe everyone else when we tell you it's normal and okay.

Having said that, sex should never be painful (only if you want it to be). We've normalized this but even when you have intercourse for the first time, it shouldn't hurt. And you don't have to keep going if it hurts. Your pleasure (and wellbeing) are just as important as your partner's. You don't have to wait until they finish, it's not your fault and there are other ways to get off. Never feel bad for stopping something that feels bad.

I'm curious to know why you can't use lube. The Royal Natural is the best one I've tried, it literally only has 5 ingredients and it's amazing. If it's really the case and you cannot manage it, there are other options like supplements, CBD suppositories or even making penetration shorter and focusing on other activities. You can always consult with your gynecologist and they'll be able to help you even more or prescribe something that your body can handle.

Hope this helped,

Alexa x


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