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Ask Alexa: how do I know if I’m straight or bisexual?

Dear Alexa,

I’m 22 and currently in a very long relationship with my boyfriend and I love him very much. However, in the past six months I have recently started to question my sexuality. I always thought I was 100% straight despite having sexual thoughts about other women, but now I am older I can’t help but feel that something is missing. I would love the opportunity to pause my relationship and experience sex with another woman but I know that can’t happen. Are these feelings normal? How can I move forward in my current relationship? And how do I know if I’m straight or bisexual? Confused is an understatement.

Thanks for your help.

- Confused (she/her)


Questioning your sexuality can be very chaotic but also liberating. I'm sorry and excited that you're going through this and I hope I can provide you with some answers. First of all, yes, this is normal. Everyone questions their sexuality

There's not a lot of people that are 100% straight or gay. I think you recently figured that out for yourself. Sexuality is a spectrum and it's on us to figure out where we stand on it. Here's a little graph:

Are you missing sexual experiences with other people, or the validation to call yourself bisexual, even if you have never been with another woman? A lot of people think you need some sort of evidence to prove you are bisexual, but I'm here to tell you that you don't. It's completely valid to consider yourself bi if you have only been with the opposite gender (or if you've only been with the same gender).

I have no way of knowing what your orientation is, but I'll tell you that the majority of heterosexual women watch lesbian porn, even when they are not attracted to women. Why? Because it focuses on the female body instead of the male. It doesn't have to mean anything else.

You seem to have very clear that you do want to explore this side of you. Why can't it happen? You can talk to your boyfriend about these desires and reflect on opening the relationship; you can end things with him; you can have a threesome or be with a woman and have him watch, etc. There are endless options. And if you feel like something is missing, question how important this is for you. Is getting to know yourself more important than your relationship? How will not knowing affect you? Take every variable you can think of into consideration so that you can make the best and most informed decision.


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